Spells, Lies & Saucered Milk: Book One of The Mathew Mathews Mysteries
📚 The Misadventures of Mathew Mathews (Wizard, Occasionally Competent)
A hilarious new fantasy novel for fans of Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, and tea brewed under extreme magical duress.
Available NOW on Amazon: Amazon UK Kindle Amazon UK Paperback Amazon USA Kindle Amazon USA Paperback
Meet Mathew Mathews.
Yes, that really is his name.
Yes, he’s heard every joke.
No, he doesn’t think it’s funny either.
He’s a private investigator, a part-time wizard, and full-time chaos magnet. His coat has too many pockets, his cat has too many opinions, and his idea of magical training involves tea stains and accidental combustion. Mathew deals in the weird, the missing, and the magically inconvenient—and business is booming.
🧙♂️ Trouble begins with:
- A dead body no one can explain,
- A teenage werewolf no one can control,
- A talking cat who refuses to shut up,
- A reanimated skeleton with a fondness for biscuits,
- A woman named Julia with far more power (and filing skills) than she lets on,
- And a dark wizard called Lord Verdon, who’s attempting to seize magical power by… stealing chairs. All of them.
Then things get weird.
💥 Enter:
Cuthlebuck Groundshorn, the once-respected (and now possibly pickled) alchemist who’s declared war via fermented fruit and unstable steam-powered nonsense. There’s a bathtub escape. There are cursed muffins. There is, regrettably, wine-based terrorism.
Can Mathew and his rag-tag gang of magically-inclined misfits save Britain’s arcane order from collapse?
Well. Eventually.
Assuming no one gets stuck in a wheely bin again.
🐱 What readers are saying (probably):
“A masterclass in magical incompetence.”
— Smudge, sarcastic cat
“It’s funny because it’s true. Sadly.”
— Mathew Mathews
“Finally, a book that dares to ask: ‘What is in that biscuit tin?’”
— Timothy, reanimated skeleton
Why you’ll love it:
- British humour sharper than a wand with a hangover
- Farcical magic and real stakes hiding beneath the snark
- Characters you’ll adore even when they’re hiding in wardrobes
- And a magical world just slightly more dysfunctional than your local council
The Misadventures of Mathew Mathews (Wizard, Occasionally Competent)
The first instalment in a riotously funny fantasy series.
The tea is strong. The spells are unreliable. The cat is judging you.
Perfect for fans of Terry Pratchett, Ben Aaronovitch, and people who talk to their kettle out of habit.
Available NOW on Amazon:
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